I finally got around to putting Dropbox on my Linux computer, and started digging through some of my files. I found this letter I'd intended to send to the makers of 4 Loko (October 2011?). I thought I'd never finished it, but apparently I was wrong. I should really figure out where to send it.
To Whom It May Concern,
I would like to extend my gratitude to all of you at Phusion Products, LLC for the great service you have done humanity in general and me in particular. Allow me to share a story with you. Before I begin, it is probably worth noting that I am 22, of legal drinking age in the United States.
I recently moved into an apartment in Brooklyn, a sublet. It was messy when I looked at it, but the original tenant's packing/clothes mess obscured the real filth. When I moved into the apartment for real, the true squalor of the apartment was laid bare. Among the piles of trash and clutter, there were many, many cockroaches.
Now, I don't do very well with cockroaches or bugs in general, but in order for me to survive this six month sublet, I had to deal with them, despite the fact that the task was terrifying, borderline impossible. As such, I decided a bit of liquid courage was in order. I headed down to the nearest convenience store and surveyed the alcoholic drinks cabinet. Unable to find anything I liked, I reached for (and prepared to suffer through) a 22 oz can of Old English when I saw it, the malt beverage that had treated me so well during my college days: Watermelon Four Loko. I cheerfully ponied up the scant three dollars it cost and walked back to my apartment with a new air of determination and resolve, prepared to take on the world and rid my apartment of the unwelcome scourge.
Armed with a can of Raid in one hand (it does indeed kill bugs dead) and a can of your wonderfully efficient if slightly medicinal-tasting tonic in the other, I began to explore the depths of the horror that lay before me. Thanks to 4 Loko, when I found a dead mouse, teeming with roach larvae, I had the courage and ingenuity to tape a dustpan to a broomstick and dispose of the abhorrent corpse through via defenestration, shedding nary a tear. It was Four Loko that afforded me the confidence to look myself in the mirror and proclaim “I am become death, killer of bugs!” And when I had finished the torturous chore, it was 4 Loko that lulled me into a deep, mercifully dreamless sleep.
I understand that you guys get a lot of guff--particularly from Senator Schumer--for selling a “dangerous product”1 and a “witches brew”also 1that is endangering our youth and driving them to endanger themselves yada yada yada. I thought it might hearten you to hear my tale and know that you have my support. I am forever in your debt for this and other reasons.
Oh yeah, and I also enjoy a cold Four Loko when I'm looking to work a nice, cost-effective buzz before I head out to the ludicrously expensive bars, but that's not nearly as good of a story. Keep fight the good (cheap, potent, and relatively palatable booze) fight.
I'd also intended to send one to Raid (I'd been a bit drunk on 4 Loko). Never wrote that one, though it's really worth reiterating that that shit does kill bugs dead.