Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sometimes stories have morals.

Once upon a time, there was a man. Just a man, really, there wasn't too much remarkable about him for a while. Then, one day, he met Satan on the bus when he was on his way to work at the butchers shop. Satan was all like “Yo dude, I need a few more souls if I'm gonna make rent this month so if you wanna help me out I'll be willing to do you a favor. I have magical powers to do pretty much anything aside from making souls, I know, ironic right? But I ramble, you down?' The man wasn't really down, but he was a pretty easy guy to persuade so he said that yeah, he was down, he was. “Alright” Satan said “but there's this one catch, in addition to your soul, you're gonna have to wear this sign on your chest for a day.” It said : 'I am an extremely mediocre individual, I find myself to be almost as boring as my acquaintances find me, and I say 'my acquaintances' as I have no actual friends that would voluntarily identify themselves as such'. The man was a little turned off by this at first. He knew it was true, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and all his acquaintances knew as well. He just didn't like the prospect of having to wear the thing. That was a lot of words and the sign was freaking huge, it was just going to be an annoying experience. The man decided thought that maybe this was his chance to be a not mediocre individual and that he might as well take it. Also he was real bad at saying no. Yeah, and so he said yes and put on that big old sign. What surprised him the most was how few people noticed it. Namely, none of them. Yeah, every now and then someone would bump into the sign, but no one ever said anything. Then again, no one ever said anything anyways.

The next day, he ran into Satan again and this time Satan said, “Hey man, I just need you to wear this one more sign.” This one said : Some people are just stupid and deserve to die. I, however, have neither the time nor the motivation to see to it that that happens, so please continue killing yourselves slowly through lifestyle decisions including, but not limited to : high cholesterol, alcoholism, poor fitness, smoking and reality television. This sign got a few people riled up. One guy asked the man “Are you threatening me? Huh? Are ya tough guy?” The man just explained that he wasn't he threatening the guy, he was just negotiating a deal with Satan. That shut that guy right up. A girl, a big bimbo with tits twice the size of the ones God gave her, took issue with the sign too. She said “Reality TV doesn't kill you! It just...” but then she just started drooling. The man didn't pay her much mind.

The next day, the man met Satan on the bus again and he asked Satan if he had a third, final sign for him to wear, because this kind of stuff always happened in threes. Satan looked confused for a few seconds, and then he said “Nah bro, I actually managed to get a loan from Vishnu, so I'm good on souls and I don't like using my powers if I don't have to because it makes my skin dry out real bad. But you did wear those signs and everything, so here's 7 dollars, a bus token and a gift card for JC Penny, I'm not sure how much is left on the gift card though.” The man looked down at his prizes and felt....well, nothing really, just like he always did.